This is a Love Letter
by his loss
Summary: "This is a love letter," Sora confessed, with conviction. Riku looked through the whole thing, Sora nervously watching him. It was the most intimate gift he had ever been given. [SoRiku] [AkuRoku] Happy Birthday, B.


Holy shit this thing was a beast. B, I love you. Happy So Belated Birthday. I would have finished it sooner but the thing about me is that I've only got one good line in me so a whole lot needs to be built around it.

_Kingdom Hearts_ has belonged to be ever since I got my mom to rent it from Blockbuster for me over ten years ago. It has been a part of me and I don't think I'll ever let it go.

Of course, I own no legal rights...

* * *

**This is a Love Letter**

* * *

All Riku knew about Sora was that he was an art major and he that liked Nutella. The housing department randomly selected roommates, and Riku hadn't even met Sora properly. Three weeks into the semester and the most he'd gotten was a cursory "hey" and a brief exchange about the few items each of them had brought to furnish the dorm and if it was okay with the other. Sora: blue shower curtain, lamp, DVD/VHS player for the TV. (Riku elected not to make any snobbish remarks about the VHS thing. It would be good for any documentaries the library had exclusively in that format.) Riku: rug, toaster, couch. The couch was obviously not vetoed, as it was the only major piece of furniture, besides the TV that the university did not supply. (Their TV had been loaned to them by Axel because his roommate had a bigger one.)

Sora was a little messy, but thankfully he kept it confined to his room and the cabinet under his sink in the bathroom. He had smiled and responded amicably during that one conversation that lasted longer than "going to class"/"I'm done with my shower". Sora had a large group of friends – whenever he saw him on campus he was surrounded, a mini galactic universe of him, though Riku also sensed that Sora wasn't aware of it. Maybe he knew more about Sora than he previously thought. But he'd never actually looked at him. Not like now.

His Monday morning lecture was grueling. It was one of those classes you didn't actually have to attend. Most students only showed up day one, midterm day, and finals week. Riku went religiously. Mostly it was because he was an early riser and the lecture was at 11 am. But it was also because Riku was a poly sci major and his dad would kill him if he wasn't ambitious about it. But it was really because The Lock had such amazing architecture that he got there early to admire the hall itself, and then stayed late, wandering down the hallways that led to smaller halls and courtyards. The harmony of wood within and stone without was really really beautiful.

The rest of his classes for the day were blissfully cancelled, so when he got back, Sora was still there. He wasn't sure if his roommate's classes had all been cancelled for the day as well, or if art majors could slack off without penalty. Whatever the reason, he was asleep on the couch, the TV screen blue. A rough packet of sketches spilled onto the floor. They were all of feet and knees. All of his sketches were anatomical, and they were all strikingly realistic. The faded, oversized red hoodie he always wore had been rolled into a lumpy pillow. Sora was shorter than him, Riku knew, by about an inch and a half. He had elbows that stuck out even if he tucked his arms firmly to his sides. His feet were abnormally long. His face was soft. Riku didn't know why he made the connection of observing these features with the way he felt when he absorbed architectural details.

"Hey," Sora yawned, looking up at him with eyes so blue Riku regretted the clichés that came to mind.

"Hey," he returned lamely.

Sora smiled like the sun was shining.

* * *

On Wednesday, Axel was in his room.

"Who let you in?" Riku asked.

"Ashley Katchedorian," Axel replied distractedly. There was a chemistry set spread out on Riku's desk. Axel's lanky frame was compressed into the chair, his back hunched as he tried to level his eyesight with the fluids he was mixing.

"Is any of that going to catch on fire?"

"Probably."

"Why are you even here?"

His friend – because that's what Axel was, at least more than anyone was – twisted around in the seat as best as he was able. "My roommate's boyfriend is over. I hate the library. I need to study." He gestured vaguely at a thick notebook at his elbow, chemistry books elevating different levels of (doubtless stolen) lab equipment. Riku shoved a corner clean and spread out his notes and outlines for his paper on principalities.

"I hate this," he whispered.

"So study architecture," Axel shrugged.

"You know I wouldn't do that to my dad."

The beaker in front of him foamed, but didn't spill over. Axel chuckled softly, then wrote a whole page of notes. Something in the margins caught Riku's eye.

"Who's Roxas?"

Axel tensed, pulling the notebook closer. "Roxas Strife," he said with conviction, "is my _soulmate_."

"Your soulmate," Riku deadpanned.

Axel sighed and ran his long fingers through his hair. "I take this shit seriously, Ri."

"How long have you been dating?" Riku traced his fingers over the _RoxasRoxasRoxas_ in the margin.

"… We aren't."

"You haven't asked him out." This was unusual for Axel. "Have you talked to him?"

"I talk. I'm pretty sure he listens. He doesn't talk to me, though." He swirled the beaker and dumped the contents in the – thankfully barren – garden box hanging from the window.

Riku had had very few relationships, but he was pretty sure communication was key. "Do you think he's interested?"

Axel looked thoughtful. "He hasn't told me to fuck off."

* * *

Sora wasn't an art major.

"I like to draw, but I'm mainly using it to study anatomy," he explained while he spread nutella over his toast. "I'm pretty good at it, but in actuality I'd have no style as an artist." Riku looked carefully. The sketches looked so real he could fathom the shapes of the bones, muscles and tissues in them, which was probably the point. It was practical art. It could have easily been in a textbook.

"Do you mind if my brother spends the night?" Even with a mouth full of food Sora managed to sound cheerful.

"It's cool."

Sora having a brother was news. An itch surfaced at the nape of his neck that had been flaring up whenever he wanted to ask Sora more about himself. Sora loved his brother. It was evident in the way he was smiling now. Riku had no siblings, and yet he had never experienced that envy some only children had until now. Sora's brother was lucky.

When he returned to the dorm after classes, an air mattress had been set up in front of the TV and a blond kid was rifling through the VHS collection.

"Are you Sora's brother?" he asked. The kid's head snapped up, a copy of _The Stand_ in his left hand. He nodded. "I'm Riku. What's your name?" He wasn't planning on being part of the sleepover, but he wasn't _that_ socially crippled. Sora's brother shifted uneasily, then hesitantly held up his hand, twisting his middle and index fingers like he was swearing to a secret, then curled his fingers into a circle. Riku understood. "R-o-x.." he sounded out. "Wait. Roxas?" Roxas nodded. Riku started to ask him if he was incapable of speech (though he could clearly hear) but Sora interrupted by appearing with an armful of blankets.

"Oh, hey. You've met." He set the blankets down and pulled Riku aside.

"Is your brother mute?" Sora blinked.

"Uh… sort of. We're fraternal twins. Roxas has his own dorm upstairs because he's… He likes his space and he doesn't really talk to anyone. We had to get papers from his doctors and psychiatrists so that his professors wouldn't put him in an uncomfortable position." He twisted the hem of his shirt and glanced over, watching his twin arrange sheets and pillows. "Be nice to him, okay?"

"You don't have to ask," Riku murmured. "I'm just going to stay in my room, anyway. I won't bother you."

Sora nodded. "Thanks."

The sound of the TV didn't bother him. The Stephen King marathon actually lulled him to sleep. He tracked his thumb over his contacts list, pausing over Axel's name. So _that_ was Roxas. Axel didn't know about the selective mutism, Riku was sure. But he couldn't divulge important information without consulting Sora first. He woke up early as usual, tiptoed into the kitchen and started the coffeepot for himself. The bothers were still asleep. Sora had taken the couch, but they slept in roughly the same position, with one arm over the head and the other in an almost pledge of allegiance angle over the chest. Sora stirred. It took him a moment to realize Riku was standing there, and he immediately lit up.

He ambled into the kitchen, his elbows poking out. "Any for me?"

Riku poured him a cup and they set out the murphy table as quietly as they could, even though Sora insisted that Roxas was a heavy sleeper. "I'm pretty much the only one he talks to in whole sentences," Sora confessed, holding his mug with fingers interlaced in a way that reminded Riku of Notre Dame. "He talks to his professors during office hours as part of his academic plan, too, but otherwise he just keeps to himself."

"My best friend is in love with him."

Sora spilled a little coffee on the table.

"Sorry. I should have cushioned that blow."

Sora scotched closer until the shoulders and knees were touching. "Roxas has never even been on a date."

Up close, Sora's blue eyes had flecks of grey in them. Warmth radiated from him and he smelled subtly like sea salt. He swallowed thickly. "Do you think he'd want to?"

Sora shrugged. The coffee was getting cold so they finished it. When Roxas woke up, Riku greeted him and then made himself scarce.

* * *

The red letter on his paper was annoyingly big. After the lecture, Riku went to the stone courtyard in front of the biology halls. His dad would want to know about the grade, but was probably too busy to answer the phone. He called his office and left a message anyway.

"Riku!"

Sora was there, part of the mob of people pouring out of the anatomy lab. A girl with dark hair was with him.

"This is Xion," he said, practically thrusting her forward. "Oh, wow! You got an A on your paper!"

"It's no big deal." But Sora seemed to think it was.

"You have a break right now, right? We're getting icecream." He grabbed Riku's hand and pulled him down the hallway. Xion giggled, but didn't follow. They passed several of Sora's friends on the way to wherever they were going, but Sora didn't invite them along. They finally stopped at a little shop just off campus. "My treat," Sora smiled.

Halfway into their sundaes, Sora said, "You don't seem too happy about the grade."

"It's fine."

Sora frowned for the first time in all of Riku's knowing him. "No. It's not."

Riku's dad was a Senator. He'd been in politics in one way or another for as long as Riku could remember. He'd grown up around it. It came too easily. He was never sure how to explain that to anyone without sounding like a jerk.

"I didn't even care about what I was writing." He dragged his spoon through the chocolate sauce. "I've always got good grades in government. It's not challenging."

Sora took a huge scoop of icecream. "Your major," he said, "should be something that you are passionate about and challenges you. And it's not set in stone." He looked thoughtful. "I changed mine five times, three before I started school."

He didn't say anything that started with "you should…", or "why don't you…?" He just smiled, finished his sundae and asked about Axel. Before they parted for the next class, Sora took his hand and held it, just for a moment. Riku felt lightheaded the rest of the day and he blamed the icecream and the fact that his dad hadn't called back. He stuck the paper to the corkboard above his desk, practically climbing over Axel to do it.

"So what would your dad actually do if you wanted to change your major?"

"Nothing. He'd just be really disappointed. It would be like breaking the only solid line of common interest between us." All they'd have left to bind them was the absence of Riku's mom. It would kill them.

Axel was working on a history paper today. Riku flicked through several secondary sources for him, highlighting things.

"So… Roxas is my roommate's brother."

Axel looked up from his laptop. Without a word he left the room. Riku heard knocking and a muffled discussion, then Sora's laughter. Riku inhaled sharply. Lately everything about Sora gave him mild allergic reactions. Stuff like a minute asthma attack or dizzy spells. It was stupid, and Riku was starting to resent Sora for it.

Axel came back into the room beaming. "I have Sora's permission to court Roxas."

Riku tightened his mouth to keep from laughing.

* * *

Midterms week was busy. Riku studied, but Sora was frantic. His sketches multiplied and he showered at odd hours. The morning of his last two finals he emerged from his room – it was immaculately clean, Riku noticed – with scantrons and pencils stuffed into his oversized pockets.

"Do you own anything else?" Riku asked, gesturing directly at Sora's attire. He had meant it to come off snobbish, but he couldn't hide his mild amusement.

Sora glanced down at his ratty red hoodie. "Yevon. _Fuck_. Okay. I'll dress up nice for our date."

"You… want to go on a date with me?" Riku asked blankly.

Sora's smile split open. "I'd love to. Pick me up at 7."

Riku gaped. "I-I…"

"Fine. I'll pick _you_ up," the other boy conceded.

"Wait!" Riku shouted at the retreating back. He'd hoped to follow it up with something that came second nature in high school, turning down dates without so much as a ripple in his cool demeanor.

Sora's eyes paralyzed him in place.

"Tonight at seven?"

Riku could only nod.

He was beyond screwed.

* * *

_Inception_ was playing on the campus green. Sora made popcorn and brought two huge beanbag chairs. He talked animatedly all the way there. This wasn't a _date_ date, Riku reasoned. Sora just wanted to celebrate his midterms being over. It didn't feel like a date. They met some of Sora's friends and Sora introduced him as his roommate.

During the scene where Ellen Paige was walking through the dream with Leonardo Dicaprio, constructing buildings, Riku caught Sora looking at him.

"You're an Architecture major," he said softly. Then, "Hey, I don't want to treat you like a girl, but can I hold your hand? It's been driving me crazy all week how nice it feels to hold your hand."

So screwed.

They held hands all throughout the end of the movie. When the credits rolled, Riku didn't know what to do, but Sora was content to wait for the crowd to mostly disperse. As they hoisted the beanbags over their shoulders, Sora took his hand again.

"Date's not over," he laughed. "Come on."

They left the beanbags in the stone courtyard. A night class was going on in Riku's poly sci hall. Sora led him down a hallway he'd thought led to the bathrooms. "I can't believe I know about this and you don't!" Sora practically sang. It wasn't an obnoxious jab. He was gleeful to show whatever it was.

It was a chapel.

Under The Lock.

Sora held up a key. "Skeleton," he snickered. "I inherited it from my great great uncle, who was the janitor here." Riku doubted the story, but the key worked.

It was beautiful.

Sora sat down in a pew. "Take your time soaking it in," he said. For a little while, he forgot Sora was there. The alter was made of marble, and the most magnificent arch curved over it. The detail in the pews was enough to transfix him.

"Why is it under The Lock?" he wondered aloud.

"No one knows," Sora replied from the bench before the Lady Yunalesca statue. "Old University history… records lost. Maybe no one was ever supposed to know."

* * *

"So… what is this?" Riku asked a week later. They had been on another date to a festival downtown. (Sora won them each a huge teddy bear, but they gave them away to some kids). Sora made not so subtle excuses to hold hands or sit very very close at the table.

"Can we not call it anything for now?" They were sitting on the couch, another Stephen King movie playing. "I'm not saying this isn't …" he heaved a frustrated sigh and combed his fingers through his hair.

"I get it," Riku assured him.

Sora scooted closer until their knees were touching. "Can I kiss you?" He was smiling, and it was smaller and more subtle than it normally was.

"You don't have to ask," he repeated.

Sora's fingers caressed the nape of his neck and dipped down his shirt. It was the most sensual kiss Riku had ever experienced, and it was brief.

* * *

"I hope you've given this a lot of thought, Mr. Harmon."

Riku sat up straight. 'Yes."

The Dean shuffled his paperwork uneasily. "You are doing very well in your classes."

"Your major," Riku interjected, "should be something that you're passionate about and challenges you."

"I can't imagine your father is happy about this."

It had been a hard conversation. Riku dialed his dad's cell phone number, which was only supposed to be for emergencies. It wasn't something that could be detailed in a voice message. Sora sat on the couch beside him while he made the call, holding his hand.

"It is entirely your decision to make, Riku," his father had concluded.

That was what hurt Riku the most. Because he _knew_ it was his decision to make, but it never felt like he was allowed to choose for himself. It felt like he was supposed to repay his dad for something. "Riku," Sora murmured. "It's okay. You're not disappointing anyone. You don't owe anyone _anything_." They fell asleep in Riku's bed, and when he woke up the sun was just rising.

"Hey," Sora greeted, sitting up and leaning against him. "Will you be my boyfriend?"

* * *

Riku didn't tell Sora how excited and anxious he was for his architecture classes in the Spring. He didn't tell him either that he'd been avoiding his dad's calls.

He concentrated on another problem instead.

They shared their beds now, and Riku learned that Sora cleaned frantically when he had tests coming and that he kept a copy of _The Little Prince_ under his pillow. He learned that Sora also felt dizzy or even heavy in a feverish way when they were apart.

"How do you know someone is your soulmate?" he asked Axel one Friday when they both decided not to study and play video games instead. Axel and Roxas were together, and though it was going incredibly slow, Roxas smiled a lot more and even said "Hi, Riku" when he came over. Sora was still suspicious of Axel, but they spent hardly any time at all alone and it was obvious how much he cared by the way he presented himself around their friends. He'd quickly gained the ability to sense when Roxas was uncomfortable. Roxas waited until they were surrounded by friends to say "I like you. I'm happy with you." out loud.

"You just know," Axel promised.

Sora was Riku's soulmate. But he was an architect and under the beauty of that truth there was logic, just like a lot of math went into the construction of his favorite buildings.

The first time they fell into Sora's bed together, kissing, hands grazing over skin, he was overwhelmed with feelings. Not all of them were tangible. Sora reached between his legs without preamble and gently weighed the heat of his sac in his palm. He was pretty sure he moaned something embarrassing, like "Oh, _Sora_…" before things went hazy and they were both naked.

"I want to be safe," Sora had said, and the room fell into focus. "I went… I went to the health center yesterday and talked to someone about… about this." He pressed his hand to the lowest part of Riku's stomach, where lust was churning violently. How did they know just where to touch each other? It wasn't as though they had much experience. Sora confessed two previous things, Riku three. It was as though they had known each other in previous lifetimes, and the thought was scary because Riku hadn't embraced religion. As far as he was concerned Sora's skin was his religion. He worshiped, losing track of the time he spent between Sora's thighs. It could have been an hour. There were things on the nightstand, lube and condoms. Riku used the lubricant generously, closing his mouth over Sora's when their fingers met and thrust the same rhythm. Kissing was wonderful, but he was so afraid he might say something. Say _it_.

When they were done, Riku's body ached, his heart felt stronger, and his skin, where it touched Sora, was utterly complete. It killed him to tear away, but he took a clean cloth from the bathroom, soaked it in warm water, and cleansed the mess patterned over his soulmate's abdomen.

In the morning, Sora was gone.

He wasn't in the kitchen, and his phone was still there.

Riku endured a tense fifteen minutes of silent panic, trying to remember if he had said it. Sora opened the door, wrapped up in Riku's coat, bearing fresh coffee. It was okay.

They sat on Riku's bed and decided to skip class.

"So…" Sora fumbled lamely, "was it as good for you as it was for me?" They laughed, awkwardness evaporating.

"We probably shouldn't room together next semester," Riku said when they could breathe again.

Sora frowned, but agreed. "Housing probably wouldn't let us if they found out, anyway." He set his coffee cup on the window sill. "I think Roxas might want to live with me."

After lunch (takeout from the dining hall) Sora went down to the lobby to pick up the mail. When he came up, he was holding two small letters and a small parcel. When he handed it over he warned softly, "It's from your dad."

It went into the cabinet under the TV. "I'll open it later. I just don't want to look at it right now." Sora didn't try to argue, and after a few days he stopped reminding Riku that it was there.

* * *

The next time Riku woke up alone, Sora's phone was gone. His things were messily straightened up.

"Did you call him?"

"Of course I fucking called him, Axel. I can't find him. That's why I'm calling you." Sora's toothbrush was gone, and so were a few VHS tapes. "Call Roxas. Please."

"What happened?"

Riku pulled the phone away from his ear and wanted to hang up. "I told him that I love him."

It was Thursday, so Riku stayed up as late as he could, waiting for news. The phone woke him at three am.

"Hi, Riku."

He looked at the clock and then went into the kitchen for a glass of water. "Roxas?" He wondered if he was dreaming.

"Sora is with me."

"Is he okay?" if it wasn't a dream and Roxas was actually making an effort to speak, Riku figured yes/no questions would be best.

"Yes." Pause. "No."

"Is he going to stay with you for the whole weekend?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

A long silence. "Riku."

"Tell him that I meant it, but he doesn't have to say it back. Tell him for me."

"He's scared."

Riku walked into the living area and knelt in front of the TV. "I know. So am I. Tell him for me."

A moment after they hung up, a text message lit up the screen. It was from Sora. _Sunday_, it read. Riku decided an answer wasn't needed and set the phone down on a pile of video games. The parcel was about the size of a Sora's dog-eared copy of _IT_, but lighter. Inside was a folded letter and a thin stack of photographs. They were all of his mother.

The letter was hand written. _You don't owe anyone anything_, the last line said, echoing Sora. _P.S. These were all the pictures I could find of your mother. I hope that they'll strengthen your resolve rather than fuel your misplaced guilt. _

His mother was beautiful. Her hair was as pale as Riku's and she had the same chin. He wasn't in any of them with her. He had never known her. The last picture must have been put in by accident. It looked like it had been taken on an island. Some of the pictures of his mother had the same backdrop. He was in this picture, aged seven, maybe. He was barefoot and laughing, holding hands with someone, their white cotton shirts stained with juice. In his free hand, young Riku held the last bite of the fruit they had been sharing.

* * *

"This is a love letter," Sora confessed, with conviction. In his hand was a sketchbook with wrinkled pages. Riku took it gingerly and opened it.

Every page was an image of a hand, a torso, a neck, a shoulder. They were beautiful. And then he noticed.

"It's me." The pages of the hands were the most detailed. They seemed soft and firm and real. They were his hands. He looked through the whole thing, Sora nervously watching him. It was the most intimate gift he had ever been given. He started to ask how it was a love letter. He wanted to know what it was meant to convey. But the images of his hands stopped him. "Oh."

"Yeah," Sora agreed.

"I… I feel the exact same way."

Sora's fingers found the nape of his neck. "But I don't even - ! When you touch me… it's…"

"I _know_," Riku assured him.

"Why do you love me?"

"There are about a hundred ways I can answer that, and half of them have to do with how you respond to my touch." He pulled Sora closer gradually, until the next he said barely existed in the space between their mouths. "I _love_ you."

Sora shuddered. "I love you, too."

Riku kissed him, trying hard to imitate their first, and then their second, third. "Take me," Sora pleaded. Riku pressed the photograph into his hand. The boys holding hands, running toward the camera laughed up at them from the glossy surface. One pale haired boy, one boy with blue blue eyes and elbows that he's never grow out of. In the background, just visible, was a tree. The fronds supported a single clump of star shaped fruit.


End file.
